I have to start with a confession or disclosure or whatever the politically correct term is: I have personally met both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch. Not just some quick meet-and-greet, but some real, honest-to-goodness, hang-out-together time.
Well, maybe it was only four or five hours. And I really don’t think they remember when and where and why we met. But I do, and I have the pictures to prove it.
So when I heard that presidential candidate Mitt Romney wants to fire my good friend Big Bird, well, you can understand why I was so upset.
You know, of course, that Big Bird is only six years old. So I kind of always wondered about child labor laws. But, of course, those are “child labor,” not “bird labor” laws, so I guess we’re ok there.
Then there is this weird “time vortex” problem. Some people seem to think that since Big Bird has been around since 1969 he is at least 40 years old. But you know how there are “dog years” and “people years.” Well, the same rules apply here. Just don’t look at the math too closely.
Now, I assume that Big Bird, all 8-feet 2-inches or him, has medical insurance through his employer, the Children’s Television Workshop. But what happens if he is fired? And if his funding is cut , will he really be “fired,” or will he be let go as part of some kind of Reduction in Force? Well, the rules for unemployment compensation and medical coverage are complex, but I think we know he doesn’t have any dependents to support.
Fortunately, under Obamacare, Big Bird will have medical coverage through his parents. If we can find them.
But, there is some good news here: I like to think that as news of Big Bird’s projected demise continues to circulate literally around the world, a new children’s crusade will be launched that will save Big Bird’s job. Then maybe we can “hang out together” again.
I’m Larry Burriss.